It takes two to get the happiness

Life has up and down times. So does relationship. Feeling happy all the time does not mean you have a happy relationship. Because lots of challenges await in your life. You may just be lucky so that you have not gotten any breath-taking hard time. A true happiness occurs when you and your significant other stand side by side to get through the hard time and learn how to support each other and how to handle the hard time next time. You will have doubts and other negative feelings during the process. However, once the hard time is over, the relief will reward you. All the couples can get through happy times. However, not all the couples can survive when hard times knock the door. Why? First challenge is how to share your true feelings (happy, fear, sad, desperate, upset) and how to alleviate your significant other's feelings. This is not something we learn from school. This year is quite harsh to me. I have more than ever negative feelings and hard times. I think I am smart. But when hard times visit me often I feel I am super stupid. Why? Because I often pick the wrong reactions. The wrong reactions damage my life and relationship. And the damaged life and relationship make me feel more miserable. Of course I want to get the support from the significant other when facing challenges. He knows I need help. However, none of us knows how to render the help. Now, I can see the point is that we don't know how to alleviate the other's negative feelings. It is a life lesson. Everyone wants to have happiness. So do I. I want to have someone knows me, cares about me, amuses me, protects me, and supports me until the end of the day. Sometimes I see some very old couples on the streets. I feel so touched when I see their hands hold each other. I know it is what I am looking for. Love has many forms. No one can have passion all the time in relationships unless the relationship is very short term. At the end of the day, passion of the love will go away. It does not mean the love is dead. Passion will be replaced by another form of the love. Just like the love shows in the 60-year-old couples. It takes time to understand your heart. The happiness will not come to you. You have to make it happen. Not just yourself, it takes two to reach happiness.

Endless headache

A funny fact is that the pain transforms me to a superman. I don't need sleep and food. Just 6 hours sleep is enough for me. I become super productive at work. And the work result is flawless. I manage to reconcile with a person I used to dislike very much. I tidy my little place and so willing to wash dishes (the more the merrier). I brought up a tough issue with my manager (I never dare to do so before). A meal for a day. I could stroll 2 miles without feeling tired. I feel I have endless energy. Though I also have an endless headache.

All the small things

Used to be proud of my memory. Now I hate to have a good memory. All the small things, the silly jokes, the funny mistakes, the stupid comments, the embarrassing moments, and the fact-like babus. Being a person with a good memory is not a blessing at this time.

Am I strong

I behave as a normal person even though I should not. I don't understand myself. I thought I would have cracked down. But I can still talk normal and feel hungry. Is it because I am numb? Too many troubles are waiting for me. Being numb helps because I don't feel hurt that much. Friends saw me last night (tried to cheer me up). They were surprised to see a calmed me. I know I am calm because my mind and my heart are not communicating. I guess this is a human instinct. My mind tries to save me by cutting off the communication from the heart. The heart is aching. The mind knows I need to be strong since I need to tackle all troubles that I am facing before I crash.

A cruel reality

When you have more pressure than what you can manage, what shall you do? Hypothetically speaking, you shall try to understand what causes pressure and then go to deal with the root. Do I follow the hypothetical speaking? Not at all. In reality, I either pretend no pressure or become super defensive. Either way I hurt myself. I believe you can imagine it. People said you learn lessons as you grow up. So true. This year I decided to fulfill a dream on my dream list. Fulfilling a dream supposes to be amazing. But it is an extremely exhausting and killing process. After few months hard work, the dream is more than half way through and I am half way dead. I did not expect to pay a grant prize for fulfilling a dream. Not at all. Neither did I know I would need to sacrifice something precious in exchange of this dream. Now I see what has been sacrificed. I dare not take help for granted. This is not me. But, with tons of pressure on top of my shoulders, I became less sensitive and thoughtful. I was eager to receive helps. I craved for warm words after exhausting works. I over stretched myself. Why? Because of my poor planning and workaholic personality. I planned naively to complete everything in two months. I have been working toward this goal with all I can give physically and mentally. I became anxious and upset when things did not go as well as I wanted to. I expected my boy friend to be a workaholic as I. So I became so demanding to him. I did not stand in his shoes but just complained of his absence. Now the dream is almost complete. I am so satisfied with the outcome. I thought he would be as happy as I. But no. Of course not. I forgot he is not me and this is not his dream. This process makes him unhappy. Not just a bit, I am losing him. Too much pressure. Would I be happy to make a dream come true? Would I be happy to make a dream come true with a super sacrifice? If time can be reversed, would I make the same decision - go for this dream? Time waits no one and never be reversed. This is the beauty of the time and the cruelty of the time.