Red in tooth and claw

Yesterday I phoned a high school friend and both agreed that we are stepping in a stage where life can be boring if we plan nothing for our personal life. Does this sound familar? Turning on TV for nothing, clicking on online news for something exciting, checking emails to see if there is any "you have got a mail" message, feeling tired all the time, having a blank mind etc. It's a silent suicide.

We leave our brain die unconsciously. We provide less stimuli to the life. Often, a feeling of getting old strikes. The above life style makes one feel "oh I am getting old". Modify the "You are what you eat" phrase and voila, a good cure for the above disease is "You are what you do". Taking a step forward and plan something for life. Some people like the thrill involved in the red in tooth and claw. Some like the peace developed by yoga. Some go to learn a new language or subject to stretch brain power. Some open their mind by going out from their comfort zone e.g., a friend decided to go for acting class. Whoever you are, get something suitable, being stagnant can be a crime!

Sleep tight

It's human. Not know how critical and wonderful it is until you lost it. A good sleep indeed missed my respect before. I've having some sleep problems for months. Sleep problems for me? It's unbelievable. I am a happy kid. I was. My life was simple and I barely had troubles falling sleep. Things differ. Unconsciously things get my nerve. The excitement keeps me awaken. Some friends recommend me taking some medication. I am not a pill person. Tried hard to resist the idea. Nonetheless the bad sleep quality has had a big impact on my schedule and myself. I gave in. I avoid the sleeping pills though. I avoid something may be addictive. I tried melatonin. That has a mild effect. Ever since I've taken it, I can just wake up two times instead of three times at night. You know how much I cherish what I lost - sleep tight :p

Cool

Given the financial situation, layoff, future uncertainty, self compromise, my presence and future don't look as fascinating as before. Yet the worst may be the turning point, I like to think this way. I was traumatized by the job hunting back to 2005 and so I told myself to suck up all unpleasant scenes at work. The stay may be wrong. I have no answer. My financial situation is in deep shit. But I am grateful to it. Why? My reasoning - it's always better to know what the shit looks like and how I react earlier than later. The funny part of this hardship is that it was me to dig the hole and put myself in. It's a good lesson. The rumors of layoffs at work unease me. I know many of you understand the fear. There is only that little that I can control. If I keep the angst, I will just crash myself. The future uncertainty is already heavy. Why I want to trash myself with more anxiety? I am working to earn more certainty and being a miss brightside. I am looking into the self compromise and see what I can do to less damage myself. Being cool. It's something I realized this morning. Not the appearance. The mix of the courage and composure. The shit stinks yet the spirit should not stink as I am going through.

Snowboard

It's been a while that I have the though of trying snowboard. Last year, due to newly fine skis, I could resist the temptation. For those paying attention to the weather you know that the past weeks the snow at Tahoe were awesome. Powdery is the best condition for snowboard. I with no doubt know I will bring blue marks home due to the namely tons of falls. Who will not fall in the first try of snowboard? This person exists somewhere yet not me. The first morning was frustrating than entertaining. I fell frequently. Every getup accompanied with a fall. The shoulder and the elbow complaint. I brought my Rollerblade protection for wrists but not for the elbows. The soft snow absorbed the shock. But the pain was inevitable. Besides, we were trying on a green. The flat killed me. I felt the green trail was super long. Once I arrived the lift I was quite relieved. You thought I would give up? I am a type person who believes "never give up never surrender" when I am determined. The afternoon, friends went with me to a blue. Was a blue over my capabilities? No answer. I didn't bring my mind but a brave heart. After a shot while, we arrived at a bumpy area. The scene set my courage back a bit. Confidence vanished. I moved and moved. I didn't want to back down. I tried to get up, fell, moved, got up, fell. I managed it. I moved my board, right, left, right, left with my all focus and feels. Cool! Cool! I concentrated the feels of the feet, board, and slope. I knew it was coming. That try was the longest around by far at that day without any interruptions. I was so proud of myself. I can tell you it was one of the coolest things I done. My friends told me what I did was a leave. The round apparently showed one thing - my back side stop is good. I never knew my balance is dominated by the left foot until that day. My left foot was amazing. Steady. Flexible. The two days snowboarding was fun. Will I snowboard again? I knew I will bring my ski and snowboard to the snow again. The only doubt I have is that am I goofy or not.

Uncertainty to certainty

"you can't change the cards you are dealt, but you can change how you play your hand" everyone is given unique life patterns. How to accept and make them better perhaps are more important than worrying life and pitying self. I know my life has a great deal of uncertainty. I never ignore this fact. I could, I should, take more control to my life. I am drifting away from something I planned. I don't know if it is good. The wandering gives me freedom and brings me surprises. I know how much I enjoy that. Yet the uncertainty behind the drifting means what? No answer. Do I want to do this all my life? Certainty is good. At least a direction is good. If I change how I play my hand, then I will be happier? Look around, I envy the settled people. Would I be able to get a balanced point between my freedom and possibilities and certainty?

Wish me well

Many to say. Yet, nothing come out. The first phrase flashed over my mind was - wish me well. I need to be well. Doesn't it sound funny? Being well sounds simple. But sounds simple doesn't mean it's easy to get. A sound body, head strong, peace of mind, positive attitude. People all are unique. Some moves on fast, just one click and already started a new life. Some slow. Some stagnant. I know what I will do if I don't be well. Emotions like to visit me and yet emotions do no good to me. I got myself determined and haven't been that determined for years. Be well. Wish me well.