Self esteem and aggresion

A sample test provided a discussion between self esteem and aggressive behaviors. One said said self-perception can reduce aggressive behaviors while the other side said high self esteem makes it worse. It's interesting. When I read through everything, I found myself agree with the second group. The gap between high self esteem and negative feedback toward self triggers a disorder in mind. A peace of mind is then gone. The anger in self converts to a force to others. The force appears to be some aggressive behaviors which can be as violent as assaulting, slapping.

Somatics

Today I read something from a mailinglist. Talking about the stereotype for gender and race. The starting point was to ask if you think the society will treat two candidates with equal intelligence, competence but different race equally? Then the sender quoted a research from Stanford University and Waterloo University and since then the email created drama in the mailing list. I went to check some references. One site is called Somatics. The words on this website were polished, professional, and triggered some thoughts of mine. I don't think I ever had thought this topic. Somatics is such an intriguing topic.

Shocking

Remote to many things. I was updated by friends recently that there was a famous TV show in Taiwan talking about something shocking. The shocking point was that the girls were labelled as losers if over 30, no husband, no good figures in the banking accounts, and no house. How heavy!

Window

If you ask me what part of remodeling I like the most, I'd say interior design. To give my place a new life, I gave it a new look first. Pick a theme, pick a main color, pick a main material, many to do's on the list. I am not a natural artist. Yet I like to draw, to make things, and to daydream. I think I am bold on matching colors, matching materials, matching objects, on the other hand, I am prudent on budgeting. In other words, I only want to invest something which is worthy. I am not a girl who would spend 1000 on furniture. Yet I am a girl who would find a way to establish ambiance to make some piece of furniture look high end.

Dealing with windows is such an experience. So much know how there. I want the coverings stylish, feminine, and practical. What can complete my imagination? I diligently did my homework. I checked online stores, local shops, and some beautiful places to get inspired. After some intense time I paused my window project. Since I have some internal layouts to complete before I can continue. Now after a half year I think the time is right. So I went back to the store where I very much like yet, a bummer, they discontinue the critical part! A small place with two themes will work, perhaps, or perhaps not. I am creative enough to thinking to patch two identical things to accommodate the long window with a neutral style. I have my ingredients ready. Excited was how I felt when I got this idea. I'll see if the idea works.

Fainted

Last night was a bit strange. In the early evening, I started to feel dizzy. Started with small. After one hour, it became very strong and striking. It scared me a lot. I thought I am catching some no name disease. I thought at the beginning the dizzy was due to the computer, so I walked away from it, and went to have a relaxing reading. I realized I couldn't concentrate on reading then. The words became blurry. If I forced myself to see the words clear, then the dizzy became 3 times stronger. I thought maybe a shower will help. The shower almost made me fainted in the middle of the tub. Every time I walked I walked with the help of my hands. I felt I could faint any time. I think I am a healthy person. This strange dizzy made me afraid. Very afraid. Very uncool. I put myself to bed. I didn't think I fell in sleep with a normal way, I think I fainted on the bed in the end.

Apple clafoutis

It's always fun to make desert. This time I felt more, more than just fun, more than just excited, I felt nervous because of a good friend, she is super good at desert making, she taught me how to make desert and gave me good know how, is going to come. The feel is like that a pupil is going to present something to his teacher and nervous about if he will get a smile from his teacher. Oh I'd better to have a good result on desert :p
I got more than a smile. I think this recipe is very good, if you want to have a light desert that will earn many compliments, this is it!

For the batter:
- 4 egg white and 2 yolks
- 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
- 1/4 cup sugar
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 6 tablespoon unsalted butter
- 2/3 cup all purpose flour
- 1 cup milk

For the filling:
- 2 apples and 1 pear
- 1/3 cup sugar
- 2 tablespoon butter
- 3 tablespoon rum

Cooking:
- put the ingredients for batter in a big bowl butter needs to be melted before putting into the bowl
- use the mixer to beat the batter for 5 min
- peel apples and pear
- remove the apple cores and pear core
- dice the apples and pear
- put 2 tablespoon butter in a skillet and melt it with medium heat
- put the diced apples and pear in
- put 1/3 cup sugar in
- put 3 tablespoon rum in
- stir the ingredients in the skillet well and wait 5 min until the cubes are warm and coated with sugar and rum
- preheat the oven to 400 degree
- put the pan to the oven and heat it for 4 min once the oven is ready
- take the pan out and put parchment paper in
- pour half amount batter in
- pour the coated cubes in
- be careful not to put juice from the skillet in
- pour the second half batter in to cover the cubes coarsely
- put the fully loaded pan to the oven
- bake 40 min

I always like to mix apples and pears. Pears are juicy. With pear the desert will be more favorable.

Terrance and Philip

They appeared in an episode in South Park. I have this episode for more than a year, yet, I never watched it until two days ago. I was busy doing something else at that night, I guess I was painting. I turned the volume loud to make the painting more fun. You know the sound or the melody can help get some positive impact when you do art. Unconsciously you can synchronize your moves and the sounds. When I am alone doing art, I just like to turn on something as background and now you know why. The episode sound floated in the room. The episode caught my eye when it played the show of the show "Terrance and Philip: below the line". I knew these two characters were made to parody Canadians. I paid little attention on this part though. The environmentalists and the festival part didn't get my much attention either. What interested me was the stories between Terrance and Philip. The boyhood best friends, the celebrity times, the complaints, the serious job "Shakespeare", the obeasity, the arguments, the fun, and the reconciliation. This episode gives me more than just few laughs.

"Back"

This is a concept. "Back" can be returning to a stage where you were. "Back" can be going down. Back can be interpreted in couple ways. I just got myself interested in this concept. This concept fascinates me. You will understand what I mean when you try to think this by yourself. I've spending time thinking "back". I feel I am into philosophies recently. "how to live your life and how to mark your life". Everyone is unique so you can have tons of ways to live life and mark life. Nonetheless, there is a general idea behind "you think and then you know what to do to live and mark life". We are in a time when life can be pretty complicated. Many things can distract us and exhaust us. Many things can steal our attention and unease us. Many things can occupy our time all day long. Therefore, we barely "think". We sometimes just want to rest and lay down in a couch. Be a no brainer. Sometimes we feel empty or half dead. Why? Because we don't live our life. We just pass time. We don't mark life. We just let the life get wasted. We feel bored because we don't know what we are doing. The general idea is that you have to think. Thinking what? It depends on your preferences. You can start thinking something concrete. I've been thinking a lot. A good way to think is to review your past. I 've been using an objective view to look at me and things around. I looked back four years ago. I looked back ten years ago. I've had a time travel in my head. I've hopped a time machine and wandered around. No particular purpose. Just to know myself better. To help myself find a way to know how to live and mark my life. This time, I am thinking "myself" and "back". Next time, I will be thinking "myself" and "forward". Or something else.

Woo doo

I have a cute woo doo doll on my desk. People like to ask me questions about him. Mine is a wizard. Intelligent, fun, a bit dark :p

Fish noodles

That fish noodles soup was interesting. I never had any fish noodles soup filled with chilies before. I have had fish soup, noodles soup, noodles soup with seafood, yet, a fish noodles soup topped with a layer of chilies no never. I and spicy food, somehow, never become friends. I respect spicy food and know many others love spicy food. Yet my stomach has little tolerance of spicy food. Either I'd have a severe pain after spicy food or I'd throw up. So you can imagine that. The passed weekend after a strenuous ski day, everyone wanted to have a feast. During the sleep or half sleep condition, my friends already decided to go to a spicy place at Berkeley. I was ok with it because I love good food. The restaurant is on a small-town looking street. I've been to Berkeley, not this area though. I was told we were on the north part of Berkeley. The place is big, filled with people, from hungry eyes, all the dishes on others' tables looked good. I was eager to try the dishes. I underestimated the spicy tolerance of others. They eat super spicy food. Super. The dishes they prefer are something that I would never try. Based on the names I could sense how spicy these dishes are. To play safe, they recommended me to order a non spicy dish.

The appetizer was red. A killer red. A ha. I knew I was in trouble. I tried a piece. They were right, I need ice water. For the record, I am not a person who orders ice water in Asian restaurants. I prefer hot tea. But the problem is that hot tea and spicy food are not friends. If you want something to help you digest and resist from the spicy food, hot tea is not the one you need. Then, here came the fish soup. It was impressive. A thick layer of chilies. Floating happily. I believe my friends were happy to see this. I was with a mixed feel. Seeing a new thing is great. Eating a new thing is great. But eating a new spicy thing like it is unknown adventure. Would my stomach survive? Lots of questions there. The cool thing was that the soup was not spicy at all. I think my friends were disappointed. Only me was relieved.

Slow

I am a slow person. This is what I realized six months ago. That doesn't mean I am patient. It was just a conclusion based on my past. It seems when all others have already known what and how to do things, I am still looking around with a blank plan. I am slow. You know some people they always respond quickly and wittily. You know some people always have plans in mind, always know what should do next at early stage. You know some people they know what questions to ask. You always come across many of these who start thinking early. I am not one of them. Good or bad, no answer. Lots of my friends are like these already-know-everything people. I sometimes envy them. They are like oracles. They know what to think in high school. They know what to pick. They start to prepare the GRE and TOEFL at senior year at college. They start to look for jobs before graduation. They know what fields to go to, they know what questions to ask, they know how to plan their career, they know what route to go in their life, they know what is good for them, and they make themselves successfully. I am slow enough to not notice actually my friends are doing some important plans when they say something to me. I just not get it. Silly me. I am a pure listener. So many these examples I found out. I guess people are all unique. Some people are fast. Some people are slow. I know I get different fun as who I am. I cherish the excitement and joy. The problem I see here is that I am impatient. So it's hard to bear with this "slow" characteristics. I feel uneasy when I know I am late... Nothing here to compare myself to my fasttrack friends. I am just having "here it goes again" feeling - I am late. I want to catch up. I want to fulfill gaps. See, It took me a while to notice I am slow at something. Once I have known it I speed up and try hard to get myself on board. That attitude, may need to be replaced. I think. By enjoy-your-unique-blessing attitude :p

New

"You need to new yourself!" said a friend. To give yourself a new perspective, a new mind, a new sensation. "Change your hair" suggested friends. I agreed. I called and booked a salon. The evening, salon was open only for me. The procedure took five hours. I hardly done it. I looked at the mirror. "Does this mean I just newed myself?" my old me, the image flashed over. I can see the change. Well, I am happy about the new image. The new me.

Cherry clafoutis

"Smell good! Look great! It's going to be a success!" I said to myself while waiting.

Last week I made a cherry clafoutis. I love fruits inside pastry. The natural flavor from fruits is always impeccable. The taste is ten times more unforgettable than artificial flavor. I found a recipe and modified it a bit and I got a very impressive result, so I'd like to share it with you.

Ingredients
- One bl. fresh cherry
- Two large eggs and two extra yolks
- Six tablespoon flour
- One-third cup sugar
- One-fourth teaspoon salt
- One tablespoon vanilla extract
- Two-third package of cream cheese (from Trader Joe's)
- Some orange zest

The fun!
- Mix eggs, yolks, one-sixth cup sugar, and salt in a big bowl
- Use the highest speed to mix the ingredients well for eight minutes, the mix should look puffy after the beating
- Add flour, vanilla, and cream to the bowl
- Reduce the speed to medium and beat the mix to well blended
- Take a small bowl and put cherry, one-sixth cup sugar and zest in
- Use hands to well mix the above ingredients in the small bowl
- Preheat the oven to 375 degree
- Put the baking pan in the oven and heat it for 4 minutes once the oven is preheated
- Apply some PAM to the pan
- Put the cherry mix from the small bowl to the baking pan
- Pour the mix from the big bowl in to cover the cherry
- Put the pan in the oven
- Bake 35 minutes

The clafoutis is delicious and light. Your will love it!

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" yesterday. I didn't know I would like it that much. The movie was to talk about Joel and Clem. They met in Monhauk at the Valentine's day. The impulsive personality of Clem created a lot of drama and then, at a point, Clem decided to erase the memory of Joel from her, few days before the Valentine. The stranger attitude from Clem hurt Joel a lot, of course at that time Joel didn't know the memory erasing part. Joel decided to erase the memory of Clem from him and we started to understand these two from the flashbacks. The most touchy moment for me was that at the time Joel and Clem in Joel's head realized they were short of time because the tracking device was right after them to take out Clem from Joel's head. Clem asked Joel "It's gonna be short. What should we do?" in a house next to the seashore. Joel said "Just enjoy it." The moment, at that moment, I knew I will remember this movie for a long time.

I also love its theme song "Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometimes". "Open your heart, look around you, and it will astound you". I want to visit Monhauk.

See what I've seen

Open the box and you will see who you were and what you were. I hold some writings and photos for the memory's sake. Sometimes when I tidy my personal goods I come across some. The result often stuns myself. "I opened the box and I saw who I was and my past" perspectives, thoughts, values, good moments, painful times, bitter tests, dreams: some change, some remain. I like to ask myself a question at that special moment "would I say the same thing or do the same thing now?" I can empty the mind for the moment and let the memory take space, just to put myself to the perspective of the previous me. I want to see what I saw. I want to see what I've seen. I want to know what changed me.