P.S. I love you

At a friend gathering night, we watched this movie. We were told this movie was based on a best seller book. The preview was so touching . Therefore the consensus was to pick this movie for the night. With no doubt, this movie is going to be a sad one. Why? Don't want to ruin your excitement. But you will knowwhy I said so in 5 min. Well don't get me wrong though. The sadness is not the main point of this movie. This movie is a heart-felt one. An ordinary man made an extraordinary plan.

My almost there toe nail

It's been 6 months since the toe nail got injured. My toe nail struggled not to be separated from the toe but... After three months immediate attention (not doing this, not doing that, just because of it), a ridiculous tragedy ruined the recovery. The nail was three fourth recovered. Before today. Did not expect this city would rain so much. Did not bring any good shoes. Just my comfortable flip flop. Today my schedule was quite tight. After aquarium, we went to a midtown building. I was asked to give direction to a stranger even though I have little idea of these buildings and the parking. Just hopped to the car. Where was the GPS? After getting off the car, we walked before reaching the right building. Did not expect to tumble. My big toe tried to balance the body weight (quite interesting instinct). It did make it but my almost there toe nail broke right away. I sensed the pain and saw the blood. (it is the second time I saw blood caming out from the toe) What a ridiculous incident.

There is no such thing but we develop a view on top of it

No such thing as perfect. The most is to get the best out of what you can. Well, but first of all, what you want and what you can? Most of the times we don't really know the answer. We just follow the flow and assume we want the same thing and with the same thing life can be perfect. I believe only a few know what they want at the beginning. The majority have to get through trials and errors. Sometimes trials and errors do not help you get the answer though. Just to make you tired and confused. The concept is applicable to many things. You name it. You thought this is the end of the talk? You are wrong. A lot to come. Followed by this thought, I got another idea. The idea is about desire. You don't really know what you want. But you have desire. You don't know perfect. But you want more. You want to have something better because you used to have something amazing. You know nothing but you keep building your desire on top of something vague. You look at what you posses. If you just have a so so thing, then you will not be that greedy. You just want to get a thing better than so so. I think appetite to anything can be developed. You like sweet so that you always keep an appetite for sweet. First time, one piece makes you happy. Two pieces make you thrilled. Then one piece is not enough, two pieces are not enough, you gradually demand more and more. At least in this case you know you like sweet. What if you don't really know if you like the sweet? You want the sweet because the advertisement told you the sweet is fantastic? How sad. You got a good salary. You got a raise. You feel your future is bright. Then you become disappointed. You heard others got a big raise and you want to have it too. A thousand is not enough. You look forward to ten thousands. You own a place. You like it. You are proud of it. You feel comfortable with living in it. Then you go to a friend's place. You realize how doomed your place is. You become unhappy. You met a person. You are happy. Then you heard many stories. Fantasies. Fairy tales. You become unsure. You wonder if there is such thing as perfect relationship. Your desire makes you unhappy. Then ruin your little piece of mind. Demand is endless. Your desire piles up quickly. But is it you to lead your life? Do you know?

Confused

I thought something ordinary is the key to make myself happy. Until someone told me it is not, at least to me, to a dreamer. I was shocked. I was and am so confused. I looked back. I skipped the emotion parts, just looked at what makes me happy and fulfilled the most. It is a quite challenging process. But I somehow start to get something from the contemplation. How ordinary is ordinary? Perhaps I am still right. I still want an ordinary life. But what ordinary life is what I look for? Is my ordinary life the same as others' ordinary life? What needs to be covered in my kind ordinary life? Does the ordinary equal to so so? I have no answers for other questions. But at least I know the answer for the last is a big no. A so so life is not what I want. The world is huge and filled with various excitement. I have just experienced a few. If the life expectancy extends to 80 years, then I shall not be in a hurry to be bound. I am not ready to go on to another stage even though the social norms told me I shall. But why I need to listen to the social norms? Why I need to be bound to them? I may just need a soul mate. Mind is full with thoughts. Thoughts are not clear though. Go back to the basics. I want to have soul mates. Maybe a soul mate can be with me to the end of the life. Maybe a soul mate can go on adventure with me. Maybe a soul mate will be there when the time is right. Maybe a soul mate will be developed to my Mr. Right. Too much uncertainty in my life and too little space in my brain. I am confused.

Little wish

I know I want to move to another country and stay there for couple years. This is always on my plan. I want to see another world and experience another life. Before was not possible since I was not with a dreamer, but now it is the time. I don't have to take some things into account any more. I am free. It may not be that easy to start over a life by myself, to give up all I have established here, to make friends there, to take care of myself in a new world, to get familiar with the new place, to learn another language, to earn a living with another foreign language, and to feel that I belong to there. But this thought is always in my mind. I like adventures. I like trying new things. I am a traveler. I am a dreamer. I may not take off now and leave everything behind. But I need to start my plan. I just need to convince myself that now is the right time. The Gemini part of me moves me on.

Lunch box

With a grumpy stomach, I decided to treat myself something nice - a lunch box for tomorrow. These days I barely feel hungry. So I eat quite little. Maybe I cannot get my appetite back anytime soon. But I can do baby steps. I looked what I have in fridge, in cabinet, and linked them to what I can do. Well, many good ingredients are there. But not all of them are suitable for a lunch box. I spent 30 min on thinking. Laying down my little lunch box blue plan. Leveraging the beauty of the high tech. Aha, my lunch box plan looked feasible. This morning I made everything together. It looked good. I could not help. I ate my lunch box before lunch time. Not all of it. It is really tasty (my kind of tasty).

Ramen

Friends suggested to have a ramen dinner. That's fine. But in a place where I had bad experiences. I only went to that place twice. Somehow that place is not my place. A bit hesitant. But I did not say anything. Right now I am open to everything. Maybe I will get a good experience this time? I looked at the menu. Nothing is really different. Ok, should I pick something good or something safe? Something good somehow has a link to diarrhea in my mind. Something safe somehow does not look tasty. Well, given this circumstance, to be kind to my stomach (it has been tortured), I went for something safe. A big bowl. Many ingredients. Look alright. Taste quite plain. It tasted just better than instant noodles. I ate at the medium pace. I did not finish the dish. Friends asked me how so. I guess they are ok with the ramen. I did not really say why I left so much. I just said because I wanted to have some dessert afterwards. Sometimes after some "stomach non friendly" food, your stomach will be kind grumpy. Last night, I had that with me.

A rotten watermelon

When I was in the living room I often heard water sounds these days. The first thought was my neighbor's sprinkler was on more often. It was strange to have it on so often. In addition it was not on at particular times. But I did not go further to investigate anything. The past few days, every time when I opened the entrance door, I smelled something. Not really unpleasant. But I am a smell person. I generally am quite sensitive to the smells. The smell was not strong but I sensed it. I looked around and thought the smell was from the trash can. But I barely threw things in and the trash can was clean. I was confused. I did not know where the smell was from. Last night when I entered the door. Oh. The smell was super unbearable. Like something was rotten. I don't like heavy nor bad smells like others. The smell made me very uncomfortable. I heard the water sounds at the same time. Wait. It sounded like from that particular direction. I walked toward it. When I approached, the smell became more pungent. I looked into the sound and the smell. Oh no. I saw a watermelon half covered by yellow water. It was left from a BBQ some time ago. The sound was from it and the smell absolutely was from it too. I was freaked out. What was that? I did not dare to touch it. I saw water coming out from the bag. The water flew to the nearby areas including a newly painted shelf. I needed to do something. At least to stop the water from spoiling the room. I felt terrified. How could a fruit get rotten like this? It was a fruit. It was not an animal. Who left the fruit? What I got myself into? Luckily after an hour, the issue was resolved. A breath-taking night and yet quite intriguing - in a dark comedy way.

Give yourself a corner to breath

In email someone tried to cheer me up with this statement. I think I need a corner to breath and see through things.

The old tree

Never knew there is such a special tree in the park nearby. I could not help walking toward it. It looks so comfortable. I think I would get some relax from it if I could sit on it. I did. The worries were gone at those particular seconds when I sit on the tree. I never knew a peaceful mind is that hard to get until recently. Sometimes you don't know you own something wonderful until you lose it. Sometimes you just take the thing for granted and never thought one day you will lose it. Because you are used to its existence. Because you never pictured the life without it. A peaceful mind is a good example. A happy laugh is another example.

A fact of life

A friend said losing friends is a fact of life. You need to accept the fact. The saying somehow left a mark in my mind. It sounds like a wise saying. But my head ached so much when I said this to myself.

Turn off the light

Last night is the first night I turned off the light during the bed time. I normally don't do so especially when I am alone. Why? I just feel safer psychologically when the light is still on. I didn't ask my hands to turn off the light. They did it by their own will. I did not refuse though. The room was dark. I was conscious. I looked at the ceiling and the windows. Some lights came after few seconds of complete darkness. Somehow the fear and the doubt became less. My headache was less unbearable. My mind decided to be inactive (not torture me by being active all night long). I felt my body was floating. I felt but not really felt. Don't know how long. But I fell into sleep. I woke up after some time. I looked up. The ceiling this time became brighter. I could see more. I did not move. I waited till another chance to sleep came.

Why

Why my heart is so in pain? I was awaken by the pain. Don't understand. Yesterday I was so tired and I shall have a fine sleep. But the reality was that the exhausting activities help little in sleep quality. My mind was like having a ride in a wild forests. No destination. The mind went with the full speed. Yesterday I heard an opinion. Someone would rather being killed by bumgee jumping than by sky diving. He said the memory rewire part would be killing. This morning, the thought came to my mind and I understood why he said so. Since I was awaken by the pain, my mind keeps rewiring things. It did kill me slowly. I don't like when my mind behaves like a free bird.

No remorse no regret

Things don't go to where you want sometimes. It is quite sad when things go to the opposite direction. It is painful. It is unbearable. It is killing. True. I honestly express my thoughts. If the talking is not convincing, then what else can I do? I can only do my parts. Life is a long journey. I cannot have all the things right. When things are not right, I try to make them right. Sometimes things are more resistant to be modified (beyond my control). It is normal. But at least I give a try.

Faith and courage

Faith and courage. I never have so many self doubts. It is very uncomfortable. I lost a lot of confidence. I wonder why and why and why all the time. There is no answer for my questions though. At least there is no white and black answer. Emotions always visit me without permission. I hate to have alone time. My mind keeps thinking day and night. A horrible thing is that all small things remind me of something. Without faith, I may have crashed down and disappeared. Faith protects me and gives me a way to deal with self doubts. I suddenly know why so many people have religion. Religion helps. I know I need more courage. I have so many fear. I need courage to face my true feelings and the facts. I need courage to get myself back normal. I always tell myself that I will be fine. But will I?

It takes two to get the happiness

Life has up and down times. So does relationship. Feeling happy all the time does not mean you have a happy relationship. Because lots of challenges await in your life. You may just be lucky so that you have not gotten any breath-taking hard time. A true happiness occurs when you and your significant other stand side by side to get through the hard time and learn how to support each other and how to handle the hard time next time. You will have doubts and other negative feelings during the process. However, once the hard time is over, the relief will reward you. All the couples can get through happy times. However, not all the couples can survive when hard times knock the door. Why? First challenge is how to share your true feelings (happy, fear, sad, desperate, upset) and how to alleviate your significant other's feelings. This is not something we learn from school. This year is quite harsh to me. I have more than ever negative feelings and hard times. I think I am smart. But when hard times visit me often I feel I am super stupid. Why? Because I often pick the wrong reactions. The wrong reactions damage my life and relationship. And the damaged life and relationship make me feel more miserable. Of course I want to get the support from the significant other when facing challenges. He knows I need help. However, none of us knows how to render the help. Now, I can see the point is that we don't know how to alleviate the other's negative feelings. It is a life lesson. Everyone wants to have happiness. So do I. I want to have someone knows me, cares about me, amuses me, protects me, and supports me until the end of the day. Sometimes I see some very old couples on the streets. I feel so touched when I see their hands hold each other. I know it is what I am looking for. Love has many forms. No one can have passion all the time in relationships unless the relationship is very short term. At the end of the day, passion of the love will go away. It does not mean the love is dead. Passion will be replaced by another form of the love. Just like the love shows in the 60-year-old couples. It takes time to understand your heart. The happiness will not come to you. You have to make it happen. Not just yourself, it takes two to reach happiness.

Endless headache

A funny fact is that the pain transforms me to a superman. I don't need sleep and food. Just 6 hours sleep is enough for me. I become super productive at work. And the work result is flawless. I manage to reconcile with a person I used to dislike very much. I tidy my little place and so willing to wash dishes (the more the merrier). I brought up a tough issue with my manager (I never dare to do so before). A meal for a day. I could stroll 2 miles without feeling tired. I feel I have endless energy. Though I also have an endless headache.

All the small things

Used to be proud of my memory. Now I hate to have a good memory. All the small things, the silly jokes, the funny mistakes, the stupid comments, the embarrassing moments, and the fact-like babus. Being a person with a good memory is not a blessing at this time.

Am I strong

I behave as a normal person even though I should not. I don't understand myself. I thought I would have cracked down. But I can still talk normal and feel hungry. Is it because I am numb? Too many troubles are waiting for me. Being numb helps because I don't feel hurt that much. Friends saw me last night (tried to cheer me up). They were surprised to see a calmed me. I know I am calm because my mind and my heart are not communicating. I guess this is a human instinct. My mind tries to save me by cutting off the communication from the heart. The heart is aching. The mind knows I need to be strong since I need to tackle all troubles that I am facing before I crash.

A cruel reality

When you have more pressure than what you can manage, what shall you do? Hypothetically speaking, you shall try to understand what causes pressure and then go to deal with the root. Do I follow the hypothetical speaking? Not at all. In reality, I either pretend no pressure or become super defensive. Either way I hurt myself. I believe you can imagine it. People said you learn lessons as you grow up. So true. This year I decided to fulfill a dream on my dream list. Fulfilling a dream supposes to be amazing. But it is an extremely exhausting and killing process. After few months hard work, the dream is more than half way through and I am half way dead. I did not expect to pay a grant prize for fulfilling a dream. Not at all. Neither did I know I would need to sacrifice something precious in exchange of this dream. Now I see what has been sacrificed. I dare not take help for granted. This is not me. But, with tons of pressure on top of my shoulders, I became less sensitive and thoughtful. I was eager to receive helps. I craved for warm words after exhausting works. I over stretched myself. Why? Because of my poor planning and workaholic personality. I planned naively to complete everything in two months. I have been working toward this goal with all I can give physically and mentally. I became anxious and upset when things did not go as well as I wanted to. I expected my boy friend to be a workaholic as I. So I became so demanding to him. I did not stand in his shoes but just complained of his absence. Now the dream is almost complete. I am so satisfied with the outcome. I thought he would be as happy as I. But no. Of course not. I forgot he is not me and this is not his dream. This process makes him unhappy. Not just a bit, I am losing him. Too much pressure. Would I be happy to make a dream come true? Would I be happy to make a dream come true with a super sacrifice? If time can be reversed, would I make the same decision - go for this dream? Time waits no one and never be reversed. This is the beauty of the time and the cruelty of the time.

Be strong

This is something I want to tell myself and people in deep shit.